My son is 13 years old and about to graduate from 8th grade. I am all of a sudden 38 years old and have realized that I am tired. Now I am notorious for having a lot of stamina, determination and strength...after all, I am a Taurus. But I think I now I feel a desperate need to slow down. I have put myself through school twice, once when my son was a toddler and again when he was 9. I did it so I could get find a way out of being a career bartender (let's face it, the hours are not great for someone like me) and I have been working in a field I love for the last 4 years. It took awhile, but I finally figure out what I wanted to do when I grew up.
Over those many years, I have provided well for my son, even if it meant that I was running on 3-4 hours of sleep and driving all over creation. I worked hard to send him to private schools only to realize I wouldn't be able to afford it with my new career. I sent him to Tae Kwon Do, karate, and we played tee-ball and soccer. I somehow found time to coach his soccer teams AND manage a division. He would ocme everywhere with me and although it was tough, those were good times.
Now, my son is a teenager. I am lucky though, he is not going to be one of those brooding, depressed teenagers. He tries real hard sometimes to have the attitude that 'everything sucks', but all I have to do is start a pillow fight with him and all is well in the world. Instead of wanting to go everywhere with me, he would rather stay home and sleep or go outside with his friends (that's right folks! Virtually no video games during the school year and very little TV). It is bittersweet for me. I now also realize that I enjoy those moments where it is just me in the car and I can play my tunes as loud as I can take. I enjoy having some time to complete an entire train of thought without interruption. Admittedly, I had to re-learn how to think something all the way through after so many years of interruptions/worries. A part of me feels guilty. A part of me thinks I deserve to finally take some time for me now that he is old enough to spend time at home alone..and I do for a maximum of 1 hour (I'm still a mama bear!). But a very large part of me longs for the days when I had more time to spend, when we did more things together and when we didn't have a real schedule. Feelings of guilt creep up...I wasn't good enough at these times, in these areas. I couldn't ever quite save enough to buy a house for my son to live in, living paycheck to paycheck doesn't afford that lifestyle. I couldn't afford yearly vacations and quite frankly always took the money and worked my 'paid' vacations anyway in the hopes of paying down one more bill. I couldn't go back in time and pick someone different to be his father, someone that actually cherished the job and was as devoted to him as I am.
I can't imagine a life where I would be raising a child with someone who was equally and interactively interested in the best life for our child. I can't imagine having help when I am sick and can't crawl out of bed yet have to drive my son to school because there is no bus service (I wouldn't have used it anyway). To have someone understand that I made those choices because provate schools have smaller classes and my son works best in that environment (in public schools he is just average...not a behavioral needs students nor a person who requires English as a second language, nor a physically handicapped person).
Needless to say, when my current companion turned to me one day and asked 'How much is it going to cost US to send him to private school'....I nearly fainted.
Maybe it is never really too late.
We all do the best we can for family and I`m sure it won`t surprise you that even if you have your children`s other biological parent by your side or the help of a partner you are many times still alone in some things. While your situation may harbor some doubt it has also allowed you the freedom of being the only brain and heart making the decisions and has many times made the distance from point A to point B far shorter and a whole lot less painful for everyone involved.
ReplyDeleteYou`ve done an excellent job as a mother. You should pat yourself on the back and take ownership of the very difficult part you`ve played in raising a fine young man on your own during difficult times. I think you may find that after all those years of having him to yourself the hardest part may be learning to share him.