love

I am a different type of person, I like to come and go as I see fit without having to ask anyone for permission or even to let anyone know my whereabouts. My goal in life was to escape anywhere I could at any given time on less than a moments notice. I have many fond memories of taking off with my girls on a road trip for no other reason than we all happened to have the same day off. Back 15 years ago, that was indeed a reason to celebrate and we reveled in our independence and freedom. We all grew older, and some of us had children or got married.

I was actually the first of my crew to have a child. Found out I was pregnant at 23. Now, I was never the type of person who wanted a child, nor was I the type who thought that motherhood would be 'fun'....true, I am a Taurus and that sign is affectionately called 'earth mother'...but a nurturer I was not. Looking back, the type of nurturing I did was to collect lost souls and try to make them see that they could choose better for themselves. Oftentimes I would end up as 'friends' with addicts of one type or another and inevitably I would lose myself in that cause. When I became a mother, I had a new cause to lose myself in....one that was directly related to how I viewed myself and what I did with my life. There was now a person I was responsible for that held me accountable for my actions...I had to answer 'to' someone and the way I answered that little being would be the way I could expect him to react to the world. I was always (and constantly) thinking about my actions and what, if any, long term affects my actions would have on my son. Downright exhausting and not really the best environment for bringing in a new man and trying to build a life with that person as well. So I was thinking about this recently...asking myself if being a mother was such a priority that I chose not to get married, because of course, being married would mean that I would need to put my husband first....not realistic.

So as I was reflecting upon my dating history, I realized that I am much the same person I was in my younger years. I neither expected nor wanted to be married. For one, I never saw it work...specifically that I never saw the 'Happily' in 'happily married' in any of the couples/parents etc that I knew. Everyone seemed to be kind of resigned to the life they chose with their significant other and not happy. Other couples seemed to fight all the time or border on divorce. Those marriages that ended up in divorce NEVER left either party intact, with much hurt/pain/anger resulting from failure to live up to expectations. I was not ever going to be in that boat.

The way I see it (and always have) is that people change. How could I possibly marry one individual at age 20-something and presume that we would still like each other at 40-something? And after having a child, how could I realistically ask someone to put me and my son first if they also have children and other responsibilities? After much thought, I realized that I have many many parameters/standards that would have to be met before I would feel comfortable agreeing to spend the rest of my life with one person. It is serious business to be married and it is a huge investment of time, heart and money to build a life with someone. What if you don't like what you built?

Another point I think about is love. I once read a saying that the Eskimo's have more than 50 words for 'love' and each word means a different type of love....the love for family, the love for a child etc etc. All I know is that I have loved many men in my life. None of those relationships turned out to be perfect enough for me to want to get married, but I loved them. What I realize is that although new men and new relationships have come into my life, it hasn't changed the love I have felt for others. What I am beginning to understand is that love is mutable, love is a living breathing vessel and I have a huge capacity for it. This is further evidenced in a recent interaction I have had with a person form my past.

I have not seen or heard from this person in about 16 years. When we were together, we lived hard and passionately. We enjoyed each others' company and had many great times together. He loved me intensely, completely and fell head over heels over heels. I broke it off because he became jealous and posessive, but also because I was ready to move on. We were not in the same place in our lives and ultimately, it could not have worked out, even if we had the same intentions. I cared for and loved this person very much....evidenced by the feeling I got when I spoke with him. That feeling was not just based in nostalgia, but in the revelations he made. He remembered everything about me at that time in my life...my goals, my dreams, likes/dislikes and everything in between. He knew/knows I am a witch and was surprised that it took me so long to get organized about it. A part of me had forgotten about these dreams and desires I had pre-motherhood and it is so comforting to know that I have actualized these dreams to an extent without really thinking too much about it. He reminded me that I always loved animals, I was a vegetarian (even back then), I wanted to move out of NH, and that I was a witch (even though I was solitary at that time). These are important facets of what makes me 'spark' and he remembered without any interaction in 16 years. Wow. Truth be told, I love the fact that he remembered so much, I love the fact that he wanted to talk and I love the fact that he made me remember who I am now is very much the same as who I wanted to be. I have a lot of love for this person and no amount of time would change that.

He is the most recent example, although I have a many many male and female friends that I feel this strongly about, the love is individual for each person and each has a different energy to it. What is different in this case is that some of the same physical energies are acting up and rising to the surface. This is where I tend to have a problem with the thought of getting married....I love and I feel and it's not always just one person. Although some aspects about being a Taurus are not really me (the earth mother part), other parts about being a Taurus are me (needing and wanting to indulge in physical gratification).....so what happens is that I start to interact by flirting and creating a space where that type of energy echange would be exciting, fun and mutually beneficial. The whole dance is quite exhilerating and electrifying. I would miss this if I were committed to one person.

Of course, the other point of view could be that I just haven't found the 'one'. That is a hard pill to swallow because I am currently involved in a relationship with one man. I have known this man for about 14 years and we have typically been each others' flings....just so happens that when we got together last year, it worked out, so we tried a relationship. This man wants to marry me and is completely serious about it. I know he is a good man and I love him, but I don't really want to get married. I would do it for him, but I am not so sure that marriage is for me. I LOVE having the freedom to do as I wish with who I wish and I am not harming anyone by doing that. I like to take a companion as I see fit, and also the flexibility to change that companion as I desire. Yes, there are many concepts surrounding marriage that I like. I like the idea of having someone to always be there for you, to help you build a life, to live/laugh and love with. But that really isn't a guarantee, is it? In my situation, where I have nearly raised a child to adulthood alone, I've already done the hard stuff alone. Why get married now? This man is a good man, but he also has a 3 year old. We are at very different stages in our lives even though we are the same age. He cannot put me and my son first for he has his own agenda. And I have serious reservations about starting over with raising someone else's child. It was hard enough to do it one time, I just don't have a desire to do it again. If the child was closer in age to my own son, I think that would be more compatible and realistic as far as having the ability to throw together some type of family dynamic, but with a nearly 3 year old and a nearly 15 year old, that is asking too much. And I am tired. I have earned some freedom. Freedom to have fun, freedom to have someone else take care of me. I am dying to have someone show me a fun time and show me a way to be less serious and enjoy the sunshine more....without asking me to come up with all the ideas and the planning.

Does this take away from how good of a man he is? Not at all. Do I love him dearly, absolutely. But at the end of the day I have learned that there are 2 fundamental qualities that I must have in a relationship in order for it to have the potential to last for the long term. One is that we must have common interests. Not everything, but the big things, the big hobbies and leisure activities need to be in line. Two is that physical gratification needs to be mutually beneficial and satisfying more often than not.

And here I sit wondering what the big deal about being married is. What is the benefit to giving up some of my freedoms? What is the real benefit to me if I get married and is that any different than if I were to just spend some time with them as their companion?

The long and short of it is that even if you do commit your life to someone to be their life partner, that doesn't negate the love you have felt for others or that you may feel for others. Marrying someone doesn't erase all the other feelings you've ever had for people along the way. Maybe half the problem is that I've had too many experiences and didn't get married young enough. If I was interested when I was younger, maybe then I wouldn't have known what I was missing.

But I wouldn't change anything about my journey now...

The almost end of my son's first teenage year

My son is 13 years old and about to graduate from 8th grade. I am all of a sudden 38 years old and have realized that I am tired. Now I am notorious for having a lot of stamina, determination and strength...after all, I am a Taurus. But I think I now I feel a desperate need to slow down. I have put myself through school twice, once when my son was a toddler and again when he was 9. I did it so I could get find a way out of being a career bartender (let's face it, the hours are not great for someone like me) and I have been working in a field I love for the last 4 years. It took awhile, but I finally figure out what I wanted to do when I grew up.

Over those many years, I have provided well for my son, even if it meant that I was running on 3-4 hours of sleep and driving all over creation. I worked hard to send him to private schools only to realize I wouldn't be able to afford it with my new career. I sent him to Tae Kwon Do, karate, and we played tee-ball and soccer. I somehow found time to coach his soccer teams AND manage a division. He would ocme everywhere with me and although it was tough, those were good times.

Now, my son is a teenager. I am lucky though, he is not going to be one of those brooding, depressed teenagers. He tries real hard sometimes to have the attitude that 'everything sucks', but all I have to do is start a pillow fight with him and all is well in the world. Instead of wanting to go everywhere with me, he would rather stay home and sleep or go outside with his friends (that's right folks! Virtually no video games during the school year and very little TV). It is bittersweet for me. I now also realize that I enjoy those moments where it is just me in the car and I can play my tunes as loud as I can take. I enjoy having some time to complete an entire train of thought without interruption. Admittedly, I had to re-learn how to think something all the way through after so many years of interruptions/worries. A part of me feels guilty. A part of me thinks I deserve to finally take some time for me now that he is old enough to spend time at home alone..and I do for a maximum of 1 hour (I'm still a mama bear!). But a very large part of me longs for the days when I had more time to spend, when we did more things together and when we didn't have a real schedule. Feelings of guilt creep up...I wasn't good enough at these times, in these areas. I couldn't ever quite save enough to buy a house for my son to live in, living paycheck to paycheck doesn't afford that lifestyle. I couldn't afford yearly vacations and quite frankly always took the money and worked my 'paid' vacations anyway in the hopes of paying down one more bill. I couldn't go back in time and pick someone different to be his father, someone that actually cherished the job and was as devoted to him as I am.

I can't imagine a life where I would be raising a child with someone who was equally and interactively interested in the best life for our child. I can't imagine having help when I am sick and can't crawl out of bed yet have to drive my son to school because there is no bus service (I wouldn't have used it anyway). To have someone understand that I made those choices because provate schools have smaller classes and my son works best in that environment (in public schools he is just average...not a behavioral needs students nor a person who requires English as a second language, nor a physically handicapped person).

Needless to say, when my current companion turned to me one day and asked 'How much is it going to cost US to send him to private school'....I nearly fainted.

Maybe it is never really too late.